i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
