I am in a vortex of obligation.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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