i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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