When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
