apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just found a bag of teeth...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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