Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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