i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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