when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
