When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
