By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
