the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
