Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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