Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
