My cat gives me a boner
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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