You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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