Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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