areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
