On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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