What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
soo... how was my night?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
