Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
