The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
