Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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