I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
