my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
