he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
