I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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