I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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