she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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