new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
