i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dignity is for republicans.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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