he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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