I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
