First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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