dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
