we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
