Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
