Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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