I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
