I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
