I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize