I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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