Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
