if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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