And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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