how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
