I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
