I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
