I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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