after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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