an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
