Dude my mom stole all your condoms
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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