Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
