Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
